Monday, March 25, 2013
Well played, God, well played
The Lord really does work in mysterious ways. August of 2011 I had to come back to NCU and face people. People who would tell me that God wasn't going to provide. People who thought I should never have been there in the first place. I had to face them with the knowledge that yes, His provision is connected to His plan--and NCU wasn't in that plan. I call the trip back "the trip from Hell" for a reason. October of 2011 I started working at Kid Kollege in the Infant Room. I remember the first day, staring at these wiggling babies all around me and thinking to myself "What the heck am I doing here?" Feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, I prayed "God what do You want me to do?" And very gently, He spoke to my heart: I want you to learn how to love these babies the way I do I had heard of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar doing this. Praying and asking God to help them love their children (all 19 of them!) the same way He loved them. And while reading their books and watching their show, you can just feel the love of God on this family. Well, I reckoned if God would help them with their nineteen, He could help me with these five babies. So I prayed and asked God to teach me how to love those kids the same way He does. And you know what? He did. Hey, don't get me wrong. I haven't arrived yet. But looking back, I can see how far God has brought me. I am even more in love with my job and my kids now than I was when I started. I have been blessed with supervisors who mentor me instead of just throwing me in a classroom to figure everything out on my own. And while I was changing diapers, making bottles, burping, and the like, I was having a very rough time spiritually. I went through anger toward God (even though He didn't make a mistake; I just didn't listen), confusion, loneliness, bouts of depression, and envy. So many times I was just ready to quit and give up on the plan God had for me. Sometimes, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. But His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me (one of my all-time favorite songs!). It was during this year and a half that I grew closer to God than I had ever been. It was hard at first. I had to give up my dreams: my dream of being the director for Steps to Beauty for my junior year. The fact that I wouldn't have a junior year, or even a senior year. The fact that this time, I wouldn't have a community of amazing women around me who would encourage me and be encouraged by me. My potential of going into vocational ministry came to a temporary halt as a result of not going back. Yes, it was very hard indeed. My friends were getting married left and right, my brother married during this time and found himself doing what he loved most: ministering to teenagers. My friends were graduating from college and finding jobs. They had it all together, and I was a complete wreck. I wanted to be where they were. I even went out to my garage one night, and yelled "God, this isn't fair!" But it was only once I gave those dreams back to God, that He could come in and heal my heart. As I moved from the infant room to the two year old room in June 2012, God over and over again reassured me that I did have a call to full-time ministry...but for the time being, my calling was at Kid Kollege, to serve my boss and the parents of my kids, and to help and encourage my coworkers any way I could. At this point, I was happy to oblige. :) But in January of this year, I was praying--my parents had been too--and we just knew that something was going to SUDDENLY come up that would put me in the next phase of His plan. More details on that later. I am just so overwhelmed with all that has happened over a year and a half. I just had to get it out. I also want to be an encouragement to you if you are feeling the way I felt. Trust God. Yes, you may not be able to see anything happen right now, but that is why it is called FAITH (Hebrews 11:1).Be of good cheer! He loves you more than anyone else could. That's why He sent Jesus. Pray often. A lot! Read the Word. Study it! And keep calm and carry on. :) God bless!