Sunday, September 30, 2012
I was done. I had had it with not knowing what the heck I was supposed to do. I was ready to get out there NOW! Even if it meant going back to NCU and taking on more debt. Even if it meant going on a nine-month mission trip! Only one problem: God didn't tell me to move. Great, just great. My brother and his wife recently started working as youth pastors at an Assembly of God church in Crowley, Louisiana. I still am stunned writing this to think that in less than a year, my brother is married to the sweet and beautiful Sydney and they are already in full-time ministry. Not to mention getting paid for it, which is only a bonus. Dang it, it's hard not to be jealous of him sometimes. He's in his place, where his gifts are being used and he's getting to minister with his wife as a team. Yes, surely you can sense the grass-is-always-greener syndrome. Anyhoo, it had been almost a year to the day that I had to come back from NCU. A year. A year of absolutely nothing happening (except for Stephen getting married; that was awesome! And I started working at the preschool; That was definitely a bright spot), no new step. I had been looking around at online schools, even considered Pulaski Tech and UCA, but I got a "no" from the Spirit on every school. Yup, it's been a year and I am not a single step closer to where I want to be. I cringe every time I think about the fact that I'm supposed to be a senior at NCU right now. So I did what every self-respecting, mature believer does: I went to my garage after Mom and Dad went to sleep and yelled at God. Right there, I accused Him of forgetting about me, of messing me around. I called not going back to NCU a "sick joke." I even told Him, "If Your plan is going to be this complicated and frustrating, then forget it!" But deep down I knew I didn't mean it. After I had yelled myself out, I got quiet. Then, the Spirit led me toward John 5:64-66. Jesus had just given His disciples something big to chew on spiritually; for some, it was so big that they got frustrated and didn't bother. They left, and no longer followed Him. Verse 67 has Jesus asking the remaining Twelve disciples if they want to leave as well. Simon Peter's answer stuck out to me; a very simple phrase but in that moment it was what I thought: Lord, where else would we go? Those disciples who left Jesus totally missed out on a blessing! Sure, they might not have understood all His teaching at the time, but they would have later on as they matured. They missed seeing Jesus' miracles, they missed Him raising Lazarus from the dead, they missed the Last Supper!!! And sure, I don't understand everything that's happened, but I can't turn my back on His plan just because I don't understand it. I'll know in time. But I don't wanna miss out on what He is doing! And as of recent, there have been some open doors. :) Will post details some other time. His plan is better than anything you or I could come up with. That is how much He loves us! Oh, how He loves us!